A few months ago I asked for advice on the following question: Hurt and Confused in a long distance relationship
The advice you gave me helped me so much, and I am now a frequent visitor to your site! I have noticed that there are many questions on long-distance relationships like my original question. Since I asked my question, I have a follow up question to ask, and I really hope you will answer it, not only for me, but for so many other that are struggling with the same type of situation.
Since my last question, I have moved to my new city, started grad school, and even though I struggled tremendously for a couple months, I was starting to accept the fact that the relationship was done and he was no longer going to talk to me, or give me the apology I so desperately wanted. I “de-friended” him on Facebook only because his wall was plastered with pictures and posts of his new relationship, and this really really hurt me.
Fast-forward to 3 months after the break-up. After absolutely no contact for 3 months, and the de-friending, my ex texts me trying to have a casual conversation with me about my life now and what I’ve been up to. I know, I should not have responded, but I did. I answered his questions, and he told me that he was going to be moving to my city for a permanent job. He went on to say that he is so sorry for what he did, and how things ended with us. He said that he didn’t mean to find another girl, but it just happened. He then said, “to be honest, I don’t know how long the relationship is going to last once I move, because I’m not about to do the long distance thing.”
I responded by telling him how hurt I was, and that I felt very disrespected after the way things were handled during the break-up. I also told him that my feelings for him were always real, and that I truly cared for him, but in the end I felt like he didn’t feel the same way.
He responded with, “You have every right to be angry and upset with me, and I can understand if you hate me. I was too much of a coward to be a man and tell you that I didn’t want to do long distance because it’s so hard. I did care for you, and still do, and I really like you still.
I ended the conversation after this, and he said that he’s sorry again, and so happy that I don’t hate him and that he wants me to know that he still likes me. This was the last time we had contact. A month later I saw him at an event with his girlfriend, and he completely ignored me. A month after this, I saw him at a bar with his girlfriend, and he again, ignored me.
I’m really struggling here, and am starting to fall back into the hole I was finally moving on from. I’m so confused by this. I understand that he will be moving to my city soon, and I need advice as to what our conversation meant and why he ignored me, as well as advice on how I should handle this situation if future contact occurs when we are in the same city.
Thank you so much!
Thanks for your great note and question.
This guy is keeping his options open. Now that he knows he’s moving to the same city as you, he’s hoping you might still be open to him again. And it seems you still are. Be careful. This doesn’t mean he’s all of a sudden getting serious about you, it just means he wants to know he’ll have someone to get together with when he moves.
Please think long and hard about this situation and this guy. Think about: How were you feeling after you broke up and moved on? (It sounds like better and better each day.) And how are you feeling now that you believe you might reconnect with this guy? (More confused and upset.) Sure, love and relationships are often trying emotionally, but they shouldn’t cause mostly grief without providing a lot of happiness too. In your case it’s just heartache and confusion when you deal with this guy.
We know it’s difficult to let go but we don’t think he’s any different now than he was when the two of you were dating. Sure it’s possible, but more likely, based on his actions, he hasn’t changed much. He sounds like a player to us.
Our advice: Focus on school, friends, and saying yes to social opportunities. Be open to new people—not just guys. Make new friends, and don’t have contact with this guy. You’re only going to prolong the hurt. It’s time to lean on your friends and family for support. Or talk to someone—possibly a professional— who can help you sort out what you’re feeling. Be strong and hang in there.